Confession Number Sixty-Two

I must confess...

...that I can't keep track of who I am. Which sounds like the first line of a really terrible, warbling emo song, I know.

I think it's just stress, I think it's just nerves. Brush it off, you know?

*

I was flipping idly through some of the old graphics I have saved, and one said, "Be open to whatever comes next," and I thought, "That's good advice. Optimistic, you know? American."

And then two days later I read a callous tabloid article about Natasha Richardson's sudden death, and I think about her poor husband and her poor sons and "next" seems pretty damn terrible. "Next" kind of makes me want to cry.

*

My days are running together, and the weird thing is that there's nothing wrong. I have great friends, I'm doing decent in school despite my complaining, home is as alright as I can expect it to be.

I don't know what's wrong. No, that's a lie, I do know what's wrong, and it's that I'm selfish and I'm hypocritical and there are a big handful of things I hate about myself but refuse to deal with. I get a horrible squelchy feeling sometimes, inexplicably, at inappropriate times. I need someone to confide in, but I'd refuse to even if given the opportunity. I'm worried about my future, I'm worried about my body and my brain and my talent and my ability to stave off a breakdown.

I walked outside last night and stood there, breathing in and out for a full five minutes, staring up at an absolutely beautiful sky, and only felt anxiety.

I can't seem to enjoy fresh air anymore, and it's kind of freaking me out.

*

/end nonsensical emo-vomit.

Confession Number Sixty-One

I must confess...

... that I have done absolutely no homework since this Christmas Break has started. I have no desire to even open a book. I hope that this doesn't mean I will be doing loads of homework the Saturday and Sunday before I return to school.

I did do some work today. I worked on my lines and songs for the musical I'm a part of in February. Besides that, I've done nothing....

Okay. I admit it. I did do SOME other homework on December 26 when I was bored at my grandma's house. But it was only about a page of reading in my history book (which I was supposed to have done the week before break started :-P ).

I hate even thinking about homework right now.

Would you like a list of things I have to do? No? Well, I don't care! Here ya go:

• Edit a short movie for English class
• Read over 20 pages of European History and take notes
• Do Physics problems (I can't even find my book/binder to know how many)
• Work on a Physics project about biodiesel (which is totally going to fall apart with all of the rehearsals in the next month)
• Memorize L'Ultima Canozone & work on If With All You Hearts if I make it past the first round of this contest
• Memorize Act 1 by Friday 1/9/09 (<-- i said 09!)
• Rehearsals everyday pretty much
• Hang Out with friends :-)

You know what? I think that's enough. I don't want to know what else I have to do.

I want to bite someone.

Confession Number Sixty

I must confess...

...that I have had one of the best Christmas breaks ever.

This won't be a complete confession because I don't want to talk about everything.

But, just know that I am much more happier and joyful. You should be too!

I love you!

:-)

Confession Number Fifty-Nine

I must confess...

... that I absolutely love the month of December.

This month is filled with so much joy, and spirit, and love! And I love it. (Just thinking about it gives me a nice, warm, fuzzy feeling.)

Although December is so flipping awesome, it can also be very hectic and insane...

You see, December = Performing Arts to the MAX.

There are so many concerts and performances, auditions and rehearsals to be at. I just took a look at my schedule for December, which isn't even updated, and I have some kind of performance just about every weekend. But, the thing is, I love it. I love getting up on the stage and performing for the audience. One of the most satisfying feelings is to see your audience enjoy your performance.

I am very much looking forward to this year's December. I think I will try to appreciate the people around me more. Without them, I would be nothing.

Enjoy your December this year. Think of how blessed you are and remember to give the world's greatest gift to those around you - love.

Confession Number Fifty-Eight

I must confess...

...that I finally a writer.

50050 words, 103 pages, 28 days. (with 2 days to spare!)

I WIN, YOU GUYS. I WIN.

(also, i have a ridiculous amount of love for the entire world right now. :D)

Intermission: "Yes We Can."

I don't like to talk about politics. I don't trust politics, or politicians, and often times I doubt people themselves; sometimes it's really hard to believe that all people are inherently good. I don't like political parties, I don't like underhanded campaign ads.

I don't like to talk about politics, but yesterday I talked more often and more passionately about politics than I ever thought I would be able to. I got riled up, I got angry, I got so pissed off that my vision bled red.

And then.

I was anxious, I was elated, I was in disbelief.

Finally, I was triumphant. We were triumphant.

I don't like to talk about politics, but last night was not about politics. Last night was not about Democrat or Republican, Obama or McCain, not for me, not even a little bit.

Last night was, simply, about America, and how lucky I am, how incredibly fortunate and thankful I am, to breathe the air in this country, to live and learn in this country. I was so filled with love, and with unity.

America is not Europe, with it's beautiful antiquity, which is drenched in elegance and wisdom. America is not China, the birthplace of my parents, which is full of life and history.

But America is mine. America is ours. I have never been so deeply in love with this country as I was last night, as I lay in bed, curled up in my comforter, watching history unfold on the television.

I am sixteen, and I could not vote in this election, despite how much I wished to. But I'd like to say thank you, to everyone who voted, no matter who for, and to everyone overseas who was so passionately devoted and supportive.

"...to all those who have wondered if Americas beacon still burns as bright - tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity, and unyielding hope.

For that is the true genius of America - that America can change. Our union can be perfected. And what we have already achieved gives us hope for what we can and must achieve tomorrow."

I don't like to talk about politics, which is okay, because for me this is not about politics.

This is about a feeling. It is awe and hope and pride and this thing, this overwhelming emotion, one which starts near the base of my heart and swells upward. It makes me want to sing, to hug my loved ones close and laugh in joy.

This is about America, because I have finally seen, in full clarity, what America can be, and it is glorious.

Confession Number Fifty-Seven

I must confess...

...that I've spontaneously agreed to write a novel. In a month.

NaNoWriMo, for those that don't know, is a project intended for anyone who's ever entertained the thought of writing a novel, but has been scared off by the daunting task of it.

Basically, in the month of November, I'm going to write a minimum of 50,000 words. The short period of time makes it so that I can't self-edit as I write, which has always been hard for me.

I start in a little over six hours.

I'm sort of freaking out, in this anxious, excited way.

Wish me luck.

:)